Controlling Obnoxious Behavior

That's the title of a section of a book called, "1-2-3 Magic, Training Your Children To Do What You Want!" I had hoped that I was all set for how to deal with tantrums and other problem behaviors just from watching "Supernanny," but apparently not (even though Supernanny is awesome!). Before having Julia, I was ambivalent about the controversies surrounding corporal punishment. Wayne, good pediatrician that he is, was/is against it and an enthusiastic advocate of the Supernanny's favorite discipline tool, the "Time Out." I remember a few incidences of corporal punishment used on me and don't think it's necessarily that bad. It was in a specific moment that I decided, however, to avoid it. My brother, who was probably 14 at the time, got me really angry and I grabbed his arm hard. I had an epiphany as I saw how quickly I could lose my temper and resort to uncontrolled violence if I didn't make a conscious decision to Say No To Spanking.

That decision has held up well and good and not been tested until this past June when Julia seemed to perfect the art of tantrum jumping, floor-writhing, screaming and hitting. Around 20 months or so, Julia "experimented" with hitting, but time-outs seemed to cure it. Although Julia's recent hitting was also in pediatrician-speak, a matter of "testing her limits," it was certainly more knowing and exact and we had less patience for it. Moreover, Julia seemed to be developing immunity to time-outs. For about two weeks, we were at a parenting nadir. There were two instances of slapping back on my part and one on Wayne's. We began to doubt the virtue of trying to always remain calm and consistent. Perhaps Julia needed to know that we had limits too. Perhaps our punishments needed to be more varied and unpredictable. After witnessing a 5+ minute tantrum (really not sure how long it was) my grandmother suggested that I give her 3 firm spanks, hard enough to make an impression. When I told her that Wayne was against that, she told me to do it but not tell my husband. Though I didn't take her advice, I appreciated her desire to help and her tough-minded ways. (This is a woman who can kill a cockroach by hitting it with a slipper thrown across the room!)

The lowest point and the turnaround point? Flying back from CA alone with Julia, she threw a tantrum when we were in the coat closet-like space of the airplane bathroom. I have no idea what people could hear from the outside. But inside, after my glasses were thrown to the floor (yuck!) and other unthinkable things, my epiphany came back. I didn't enjoy being Angry Mom and was not any more successful than Firm, but Patient Mom. I needed to keep cool to get us out of the situation. I offered her some control - to flush the toilet, to turn on the water to wash her hands - and we were able to exit the bathroom with a little dignity.

Since then, we've recomitted to the principles of infinite patience, time-outs, and 1-2-3 countdowns (I recommend the book). I may also try a jar of marbles suggested by my friend, who puts in marbles in a jar when her daughter listens and does good things and takes them out if she doesn't behave. When the jar is full, they go to the toy store and her daughter gets to pick out a toy.

I am often tempted to videotape a full-on tantrum, but it's difficult to pull off without making the tantrum worse. But I got this muted tantrum on tape with our dog Ralphie's typical tantrum response. He howls and barks and the situation is that much more unpleasant. We still can't figure out if it's because he's distressed, competing or just trying to make sure we realize that Julia is upset. Someday, we think we'll be able to laugh about all of this.


Carol