Controlling Obnoxious Behavior

That's the title of a section of a book called, "1-2-3 Magic, Training Your Children To Do What You Want!" I had hoped that I was all set for how to deal with tantrums and other problem behaviors just from watching "Supernanny," but apparently not (even though Supernanny is awesome!). Before having Julia, I was ambivalent about the controversies surrounding corporal punishment. Wayne, good pediatrician that he is, was/is against it and an enthusiastic advocate of the Supernanny's favorite discipline tool, the "Time Out." I remember a few incidences of corporal punishment used on me and don't think it's necessarily that bad. It was in a specific moment that I decided, however, to avoid it. My brother, who was probably 14 at the time, got me really angry and I grabbed his arm hard. I had an epiphany as I saw how quickly I could lose my temper and resort to uncontrolled violence if I didn't make a conscious decision to Say No To Spanking.

That decision has held up well and good and not been tested until this past June when Julia seemed to perfect the art of tantrum jumping, floor-writhing, screaming and hitting. Around 20 months or so, Julia "experimented" with hitting, but time-outs seemed to cure it. Although Julia's recent hitting was also in pediatrician-speak, a matter of "testing her limits," it was certainly more knowing and exact and we had less patience for it. Moreover, Julia seemed to be developing immunity to time-outs. For about two weeks, we were at a parenting nadir. There were two instances of slapping back on my part and one on Wayne's. We began to doubt the virtue of trying to always remain calm and consistent. Perhaps Julia needed to know that we had limits too. Perhaps our punishments needed to be more varied and unpredictable. After witnessing a 5+ minute tantrum (really not sure how long it was) my grandmother suggested that I give her 3 firm spanks, hard enough to make an impression. When I told her that Wayne was against that, she told me to do it but not tell my husband. Though I didn't take her advice, I appreciated her desire to help and her tough-minded ways. (This is a woman who can kill a cockroach by hitting it with a slipper thrown across the room!)

The lowest point and the turnaround point? Flying back from CA alone with Julia, she threw a tantrum when we were in the coat closet-like space of the airplane bathroom. I have no idea what people could hear from the outside. But inside, after my glasses were thrown to the floor (yuck!) and other unthinkable things, my epiphany came back. I didn't enjoy being Angry Mom and was not any more successful than Firm, but Patient Mom. I needed to keep cool to get us out of the situation. I offered her some control - to flush the toilet, to turn on the water to wash her hands - and we were able to exit the bathroom with a little dignity.

Since then, we've recomitted to the principles of infinite patience, time-outs, and 1-2-3 countdowns (I recommend the book). I may also try a jar of marbles suggested by my friend, who puts in marbles in a jar when her daughter listens and does good things and takes them out if she doesn't behave. When the jar is full, they go to the toy store and her daughter gets to pick out a toy.

I am often tempted to videotape a full-on tantrum, but it's difficult to pull off without making the tantrum worse. But I got this muted tantrum on tape with our dog Ralphie's typical tantrum response. He howls and barks and the situation is that much more unpleasant. We still can't figure out if it's because he's distressed, competing or just trying to make sure we realize that Julia is upset. Someday, we think we'll be able to laugh about all of this.


Carol

I Waaant Cauliflowwwer

Wayne: "Good night Julia. I'm turning off the lights."

Julia: "Nooo. I want to eat cauliflowwwer."

Although Julia loves fruits and vegetables, even cauliflower, that has got to be one of the worst bedtime stall lines ever uttered.

Borough of Trees

While we were away in California, a freak storm passed over our area and much damage was inflicted. Several large trees were uprooted around town. In our case, part of the railing on our deck was damaged as well as some parts to the siding of the house. Just last year we had had the tree trimmed, but I guess you never can tell which branch is going to snap. Another branch fell across the fence of two of our neighbors. On the other side, a neighbor's garage now has a large whole in the roof as a branch plunged straight down. His insurance says repair will cost $6500! Wayne's dad has made a temporary fix to our railing and I suppose we should do something about our siding, but only after our basement is finished!


Driving along the streets, there were great piles of branches in front of nearly every other house. It was quite a sight to behold when getting back from Cali.

Uncle Andrew's Graduation

Posted by Carol:

Graduation ceremonies are often crowded messes that last one speech and many names too long. So we were anxious about whether Julia would last through my brother's high school graduation. With the help of Moon Sand (a new form of play doh), a lollipop and a bottomless bag of potato chips, Julia behaved very well. And against my expecations, she enjoyed the reading of the names. She'd say, "Rebecca again? Ha ha ha." Then she just started laughing at names like a crazy person.

I'm not sure what Julia thinks graduation is, but she knows that it is a celebration involving special caps and dresses (gowns) and lots of lots of names. So I guess she has a pretty fair understanding. She's just missing the part about fifteen more years of daycare and school before she can attend her own high school graduation.

Cousins on The ABCs

Julia loves her cousins, Lorenzo and Joaquin. Sometimes, there is brutal violence. Always forgiveness. Sometimes there's just sweetness.

THE DIAPERLESS LIFE @ 32 Months

Posted by Carol:

This post is not for the poop-adverse. I suppose most of us are poop-adverse, but after having a dog and kid - I guess I'm more poop-weary than adverse. It is what it is, you know?

There were actually very few accidents during Julia's potty training - which I'd say took place during the first two weeks of May - although I suppose it only officially ends when we no longer congratulate her everytime for using the potty successfully. Wayne and I were lucky in that once Julia seemed ready to try this time around - she did not require much in the way of rewards (like hot wheel cars, princess dolls, or sticker reward charts). In fact, as she loves birthdays, the happy birthday song and simulating birthdays - all we had to do was light a candle, sing her the happy birthday song and let her blow it out. For "number 2" we gave her a lollipop. She still expects one when she remembers.

As long as she needs us to help her get up and down the potty, I suppose it'll be hard not to congratulate her for going pee and poo. I mean we're right there and it seems so jaded not to be happy about it. Julia has no concerns about privacy - I think it's more nature than nurture, even though Wayne and I have had an open bathroom door policy. Some of my friends' kids, unlike Julia, would leave for another room or go behind a curtain to go poo poo. Julia has been kicked out of the bathroom twice, once by her cousin and once by her friend, who must have been thinking, "Why are you hanging around when I'm doing my business?" I'm going to admit that as much as I look forward to not having to help Julia everytime she has to go, I am sentimental at this point, at the thought of not being part of that aspect of her life someday. Twisted, I know. Reminiscent of Stockholm's Syndrome, I think.

So, while it was relatively painless with potty training this past month - it was a long journey to get to this point. It started when I briefly considered the "early toilet training" or "elimination communication" movement, in which parents supposedly learn their childrens' rhythms and how to cue babies to poo or pee. I had thought it might be a nice environmental gesture to reduce Julia's diaper waste. And at 5 months, I did hold Julia over the toilet once for a succesful bowel movement, but I just couldn't follow through with it - didn't really believe I could pick up on her rhythms and teach her how to go on cue. Supposedly though, more than 50% of kids worldwide are potty trained by age 1, so if you have the initiative, go for it and let me know how it goes.

Then, when Julia was only 21 months old, she made a connection of what poo poo and pee pee were and used the potty successfully for a couple of weeks. We gave her stickers and stamps when she was successful. Why did the potty training fail back then? For one, I don't think we were ready for the work involved. For all the complaints about diaper changing - they are actually pretty convenient. But I guess she might not have been that ready either, we'd have to wait a long time while she'd sit on the potty readying books, singing songs, for anything to happen. She also had many accidents, and didn't really seem to mind the fact.

I can't remember for sure, but I think it was one particular accident that got me to postpone potty training last year. Ready for most awful diaper training story, ready? While cleaning up a poo poo accident, Julia had another poo poo accident - semi-diarahea. Not realizing the latter, I turned around to find Ralphie eating the poo. The Horror - The Horror! Julia got her squinty-eyed puzzled look face. I just explained that yes, Ralphie is eating the poop, he should not and we're going to have to wipe his teeth. For all those who must still go down the path of potty training, here's hoping things go more smoothly.

To end, I just wanted to share a fun book and video (youtube link) , both with Japanese origins, that have been helpful in Julia's potty training. Enjoy and marvel in the honesty!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFVoLz88hiU

http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Poops-My-Body-Science/dp/0916291456

Cool Trick

This video is from December 2007, but had to be shared. Since birth, Julia has been able to eat while sleeping. For those of you who watch Yo Gabba Gabba, this is known as cool trick, cool trick!